Motown had it down to a science, decades ago. Before the recording stars became famous, they had to graduate from the in-house finishing school, led by the elegant Maxine Powell. They learned about posture before they became Supremes.
Apparently, there are no classes in Hollywood today about how to be classy. The stars don't know how to get out of a car with their legs together, or to steer clear of Tommy Lee. They certainly don't know how to deal with the paparazzi.
So today's public service is a crash course in how to navigate the swarm of snapping photographers that surround celebrities.
Just a civilian? Read on anyway. The same applies to overzealous uncles with camcorders during the holiday season.DON'T RUN OVER THE PAPARAZZI'S FEET.
There's a lot to remember when you're driving a Mercedes -- strap in the toddlers, glance in the rearview mirror -- so it's understandable that Britney Spears might neglect to check for photographers. Still, we urge her to drive around the crowds of photographers. Running over their feet just makes them mad.DO ASK THEM FOR DIRECTIONS.
It makes them feel useful. In fact, Paris Hilton is so friendly with her stalkerazzi that when her Bentley ran out of gas in January, she didn't have to call AAA. One of the photogs offered to run up the street and get her some unleaded.DON'T THROW FOODSTUFFS AT THEM.
Hugh Grant thought that getting caught on Sunset Boulevard with a hooker was a low point. That was until the Baked Beans Incident. Grant was arrested in April for hurling a container of baked beans at a free-lance photographer who shouted, "Give us a smile, please!" Grant also allegedly kicked him three times, and kneed him in the groin.DO FEED THEM.
While the paparazzi staked out Nicole Kidman's Sydney home before her wedding to Keith Urban, she sent out two cases of cold beer with a note that said, "Enjoy!" Let's hope the bridesmaids received nice keepsakes, too.DON'T ENGAGE IN A CAR CHASE.
Lindsey Lohan tried to outspeed the paparazzi in her car, and ended up in a collision with one. Thank God she was able to walk away from the accident, or the world may have been deprived of her work in the stripper drama "I Know Who Killed Me."DO WORK WITH THE ENEMY.
If you can refrain from hitting them (I'm talking to you, Sean Penn and Cameron Diaz), the paparazzi can be your friends. That's how OK! magazine stays in business. Some event organizers have gone so far as to hire actors to pretend to be paparazzi, just so their guests will feel important. If no one wants a photo of you, then you don't have a career. Some stars reportedly collude with photo agencies who sell only flattering photos of them, tipping them off when they're heading to, say, a Malibu grocery store. Don't forget the oversize sunglasses and lip gloss!DON'T INVITE THEM INTO THE JOHN WITH YOU.
I said the paparazzi can be your "friends," not your "best friends." I hate to pick on Britney Spears again, and this is one rule I'd hoped would go without saying. But let me emphasize this: No good will come out of asking a photographer to accompany you to the loo.
Spears reportedly did just that during a trip to Atlanta.
In a Quiznos.
Hey Britney. ... You know where there are some really nice, private bathrooms? At your house. Any of your houses. Try staying in one for a few days, out of sight.
The price of your photos will only go up.